(Don Chance)

Let's Boycott the Movies

 I know I am.

 I am calling for a national boycott of movies.  I don’t mind the movies themselves.  We could have endless debates about whether the movies they make today are any good.  I, for one, find them pretty awful, but I recognize that we all have different tastes.  While I may care nothing about Transformers or Hunger Games, I understand that many others do.  No one forces us to consume products we do not want, so I’m all in favor of Hollywood trying to make films that will please the most people.  And, we could have more endless debates about whether today’s actors can hold a stick to Humphrey Bogart, Vivien Leigh, and the great ones of years past.  That’s ok.  We could also argue that movie prices are ridiculous.  But, if people pay those prices, they must not be too high.

No.  My problem is with movie theaters.  Or maybe more fundamentally, it’s with a small percentage of fellow moviegoers.

I’m talking about those of you are too cheap to pay a baby sitter, so you haul your kids to adult movies.  No, I don’t mean X-rated movies.  I mean movies with stories that are too complex for children.  Then your precious little ones proceed to ruin the movie for the rest of audience by making non-stop noises and romping down the aisles like it’s playtime.  Frankly, I don’t blame the children.  They are just being children.  I blame you for bringing them.  How can you possibly enjoy watching a movie when your offspring are completely out of control?  And do you have any idea that you are ruining the experience for others?

And at this point, I blame the theaters for letting you bring them in.  At one time (I am not even aware if this is still true), there were rules like “No one under 17 admitted.”  Of course, this was more related to sex than anything else.  Today we need a rule that goes “No one under 12 admitted” (or whatever age is necessary to ensure that the children will not make noises and run up and down the aisles).  Of course, theater managers and owners would say that if a viewer is bothered by the noise, he can report it to a manager.  Of course, he can.  And will the manager back up the movie so he can see the parts he missed?  And would the manager actually do anything to see that the problem doesn’t happen again?

There was also a time when an usher in a fancy uniform and cap would go up and down the aisle with a flashlight looking for people misbehaving.  (As a mischievous child, I once got ejected!  And I deserved it.)  Of course now they cannot afford ushers.  But if they did, the parents of the misbehaving kids would have them completely under control for these couple of minutes.

I’m also irritated at people who talk too much at movies, but I have found a way to deal with that.  We sit on the back row, so there’s nobody behind us, and we generally can hear only the aforementioned noisy kids.  But of course, there is a side effect of sitting on the back row:  you can see all the cellphones in use. The bright lights are enough to temporarily blind a person.  The theaters know this is a problem so they tell you to turn off your cellphone, which is about as effective as speed limits.  Apparently, the theaters are utterly clueless about this kid problem.

And because of this, I am now calling for a boycott of movie theaters.  Let’s do our best to drive them out of business.  Hey, they’re barely in business anyway, what with Netflx, Redbox, 7.1 home theater, etc.  Look I agree that the theater experience is awesome for some movies.  If you’re a theater owner out there reading this, get the message.  I am not going to any more movies until you get this problem under control.